Leadership Essentials: Tact and Diplomacy

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

—Isaac Newton

In discussions about effective communication, the terms diplomacy and tact often come up. They’re generally used synonymously and both have positive connotations. But do we know what they actually mean? Let’s start with some definitions:

• diplomacy: “skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility: tact”
• tact: “a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense”

Both terms describe intentional interactions with others. But what does it mean when someone has “skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility” and “a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense”? What do diplomacy and tact look like in action? 

Someone who uses those skills usually:

• pauses before speaking, especially in difficult situations;
• listens in order to understand (and doesn’t just nod their head and be poised to jump in again when the current speaker pauses); 
• works to diffuse conflict (rather than avoid it altogether); and
• truly tries to understand the other person’s perspective. 

(This last skill is especially important if you want to communicate effectively with someone whose proposal or approach conflict with your own!) 

Needless to say, diplomacy and tact don’t just magically appear. These skills need to be cultivated and actively deployed when needed. In short, they involve work. Believe me when I tell you that the work is definitely worth it! 

When you become adept at communicating with tact and diplomacy:

• Your relationships (both personal and professional) improve and are based on mutual respect.
• You have increased “value” in the eyes of management.
• You achieve better outcomes.
• Your interactions with others are less stressful.
• Your influence increases (even when your formal authority doesn’t).

Diplomacy and tact can also help you avoid conflict when you need to tell someone no and they really want you to say yes. For example, if your boss asks you to take on another project and you just don’t have any more time on your hands, tactful language can enable you to refuse the work (and reaffirm your boundaries) without offending your boss: “Thank you so much for thinking of me for this opportunity! Unfortunately, I’m still wrapping up those two other projects you asked me about and I won’t be able to take on the extra work. But I would love to help out on something similar in the future.“

On the other hand, a lack of diplomacy can damage your credibility and your relationships with others and leave a huge permanent black mark on your personal brand. In short, tactless behavior is a one-way ticket to a bad reputation.

People who act without diplomacy make a memorable impression—and an unfavorable one. Anyone who witnesses that type of behavior won’t easily forget it. In the workplace, where those witnesses include coworkers and managers, such behavior can torpedo a career.

 

Characteristics and Typical Behaviors

Diplomacy is more than saying or doing the right things at the right time, it is avoiding saying or doing the wrong things at any time. 

—Bo Bennett

When someone exhibits the following behaviors in their communications with others, that’s usually a pretty good signal that their skills in diplomacy and tact are wanting:

• Nonproductive silences
• Disengagement
• Snarky remarks
• Not listening to what the other person says
• Interrupting
• Speaking without thinking (or without filters)
• Lack of consideration for others’ needs and views

Unfortunately, few people possess the self-awareness needed to realize on their own that they are acting inappropriately. As with many faults, it’s easier for us to recognize tactlessness in other people than it is to see it in ourselves. You yourself might have struggles in this area but not fully realize it—even if you found yourself nodding your head and thinking “oh yes, I know people who do that” as you read the list right above this. 

To assess whether you have your own shortcomings when it comes to diplomacy and tact, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I excluded from meetings on topics within my purview? 
• Do others rarely consult me for my input, even though I could add value?
• Do my bosses pass me over for the plum assignments or not ask me to lead projects or people?
• Do I constantly argue with peers because I like to argue?
• Does my boss have to step in to solve problems or mediate between another employee and me?

Did you answer “yes” to any of the questions above? Do you see any of the signs of tactlessness in your own behavior? If so, it’s critical that you address those problems as soon as possible, before they have an adverse effect on your ability to do your current job well or even on your long-term career.

 

Skill Building

You learn, just as you learn good manners, how to approach things with a certain amount of diplomacy.

—Robert MacNeil

Fortunately, diplomacy and tact aren’t inherent skills. Anyone can develop them. You just need to be aware that there’s work to be done and then do the work. The steps that follow can put you on the right path. (You can also use this guide when you as a manager need to help one of your employees develop diplomacy skills.) 

Think before you speak. Pause to consider how your words could be perceived—and to prevent yourself from making hasty comments. You may have an immediate gut reaction to something your boss or peer is saying, for example, but before you speak first take time to gather your thoughts. 

Choose your words carefully. If you want to be tactful, you must be aware of how you express your ideas. When you’re getting ready to state an opinion, ask yourself “Are the words I’m forming in my head biased, hurtful, patronizing, or simply wrong for the occasion?” If the answer is yes, find different words that advance your ideas without offending anyone, being mean, or coming across as a know-it-all.

Think about timing. Before you make a comment, ask yourself “Is this the best time to say this?” Depending on the circumstances, you might get a more positive response if you hold your words for another time. 

Be mindful of your body language. Through your posture, facial expressions, and gestures, you may unconsciously communicate something you don’t intend. Therefore, be aware of—and try to avoid—nonverbal interactions that signal impatience, hostility, closed-mindedness, or any other negative feelings.

Consider the other person’s viewpoint. Although voicing your own ideas is important, you must also understand that someone else might see things very differently. If you let the person know that you understand where they are coming from, they’ll be much more likely to listen to you and to take your ideas seriously. 

Consider cultural differences. One aspect of diplomacy is the ability to respond appropriately to different cultural contexts. In some parts of the world (such as parts of Asia and Africa), indirect communication is favored when making a request or giving feedback. When communicating in those cultural contexts, people who are usually assertive communicators should “dial it back” a bit and be mindful of the other parties’ customs. Similarly, when communicating in parts of the world where more direct approaches are the cultural norm (such as parts of the USA, Europe, and Russia), people who tend to be reserved or circumspect should be wary of being perceived as wishy-washy or unfocused when interacting with people who prefer directness. 

Be discreet. No one likes a gossip or someone who can’t be trusted to maintain a confidence. 

Be polite—even when you’re irritated. If you want someone to support your proposal, you need to win them to your side. Even when you disagree with someone, you can still show them respect and mind your manners.

Have empathy for others. Being able to sense accurately what another person is feeling or thinking at any given time can help you more effectively communicate your own ideas and feelings.

Be an active listener. This means paying attention to what the other person is saying, not because you are looking for a chance to jump in with your own story but because you actually care about their perspective. The back-and-forth rhythm of your conversation should build common ground, not serve as an opportunity for you to shoot down their ideas or practice one-upmanship.

For the most part, all of these suggestions boil down to one general rule: be respectful. If you treat others with consideration, patience, and thoughtfulness, you will build your reputation for diplomacy and tact.

 

Do Your Homework

Without tact you can learn nothing.

—Benjamin Disraeli

When preparing for an interaction that you know will require diplomacy, first determine your preferred outcome and write it down, along with your reasons for pursuing this goal. Try to take a step back from your personal opinions and think about the facts of the matter.

Consider any objections that might arise. For each one ask yourself “Is there any truth to that?” and then address any issues you think of. Doing this sort of “homework” in advance can help you both ensure that your presentation is tactful and preemptively mitigate possible problems. 

 

Stay Cool, Calm, and Collected—and Engaged

Diplomacy is fundamentally working with people, bringing people together to deal with difficult issues.

—John Roos

During your conversation, engage the other person through active listening and thoughtful discussion (including relevant questions). Keep your emotions in check: try to remain calm and keep an open mind. Focus on solving the problem. Before you react, find out the facts (including information about what is and what isn’t possible). 

If what you seek is in conflict with the other person’s ideas, you may have to discuss how to find middle ground. Aim for a mutual compromise (rather than a one-sided sacrifice) that results in a win-win situation. This result not only helps advance both proposals but also lays (or strengthens) the foundation for mutually respectful—and possible more fruitful—future interactions.

When possible turn statements into questions: rather than directly voicing your opinion, present it in the form of a question for the other person to consider. This approach not only leads somebody to start to see your perspective but also makes room for discussion of what interests you and what may potentially benefit both parties. Because it often allows for more exploration of options, this strategy is particularly useful if you are not entirely sure what you are able to achieve or exactly what is needed to overcome a problem.  

If the conversation gets heated, try to respond in ways that help defuse (rather than inflame) a situation. For example, take a breath and pause for a moment to give yourself time to formulate a response—maybe even explicitly state that you need time to think about what they just said. Don’t feel obligated to answer immediately, especially if a hasty response increases the odds that you’ll say or do something you may regret later. 

 

Keep Your Eye on the Prize

In the battle of existence, talent is the punch; tact is the clever footwork.

—Wilson Mizner

Through tact and diplomacy, you can influence the shape of social situations in a way that leaves both parties feeling comfortable with the outcome. Focus on solving the problem (not on being right), keep your preferred outcome in mind, and try not to get distracted by tangents and irrelevant details. By increasing your awareness of others’ ideas and interests and increasing your use of tact and diplomacy in your interactions with them, you will not only improve your communication skills but also have greater success in achieving your own goals!