Using “No” to Find Your “Yes”

If you want more time, freedom, and energy, start saying no.

—Anonymous

Using “No” to Find Your “Yes”No is one of the most difficult-to-use words in the English language. It’s not hard to pronounce, and it’s super short—just one syllable made up of two letters. But many people struggle to include that word in their work and personal lives.

I’ve written before about some of the reasons why people are afraid to say no, so I won’t go into great detail about them here. In short, they mostly boil down to feelings of insecurity and a too-strong (and usually inadvisable) impulse to be a people pleaser, along with a dollop of FOMO—all of which are rooted in negative feelings and experiences. Why let negativity play such a huge role in shaping your life? 

The start of a new year is a great time to set new goals and start building new habits, and for 2021, I encourage you to focus on actions that move away from the negatives so you have more room for the positives! It seems paradoxical, but one of the best ways to push some of the negative in your life is to embrace the quintessential negative: no. 

In addition to writing about the importance of saying no, I’ve also previously discussed specific strategies for establishing healthier and better boundaries (and expectations) in your life. Today, I want to bridge the gap between “why you need to say no” and “how to say no” with some ideas about “how to prepare yourself to be able to say no.” You need to get yourself in the right mental and social space to wield your no effectively. Here’s how.

 

First and foremost: stop beating yourself up about saying no. 

You have a right to say no. . . . We feel guilty for saying no. We get ostracized and challenged for saying no, so we forget it’s our choice. 

—Iyanla Vanzant

Even though no is a negative word, when you use it appropriately and effectively it can actually be a very positive thing in your life Using “No” to Find Your “Yes”by opening the door to opportunities and freeing you from the shackles of guilt and overcommitment. You might feel “bad” about telling someone no, but it’s better than saying yes to too much and then getting so overwhelmed that you end up letting everyone down. 

Women in particular need to heed this advice! Too many women let guilt guide their actions. And too many people (both men and women) use women’s guilt to manipulate them into doing things they don’t want to. Whatever your gender, don’t let yourself get sucked into guilt cycles that perpetuate sexism in the workplace. When you decide to say yes to someone’s request that you take on a new project or make some other change to your current responsibilities, do so because it’s your choice and because it’s the right thing to do—not because you’ll feel guilty if you don’t.

Be prepared. 

Don’t say maybe if you want to say no.

—Unknown

Be prepared when using “No” to Find Your “Yes”Too often, the following scenario plays out: Person A asks, “Can you do X for me?” Person B doesn’t really want to take this on but replies, “I’m not sure. Maybe? Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” Person A takes that lack of a firm no and turns it into a quasi-acceptance—and next thing they know, Person B is backed into a corner and stuck with something they didn’t want or can’t handle.

If you don’t want this to happen to you, be prepared to say no. Have a good sense of what’s already on your plate so then when someone asks you to take on more, you know immediately whether there’s enough room for it. And unless you’re willing to accept that it may very well be interpreted as a yes, strike the word maybe from your list of possible responses to requests.

Be polite and courteous. 

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, and nonapologetically—to say no to other things.

—Stephen Covey

When saying no be polite and courteousThis holds true not just when you’re telling someone no but for all of your interactions. You don’t want your no to antagonize anyone or burn any bridges. Particularly in the workplace, even when a request seems outrageous to you, turn someone down politely (yet firmly). If they continue to press you, don’t lose your cool.

Be assertive.

Always remember: you have a right to say no without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions.

—Stephanie Lahart

People who hear a no when they want and expect to hear a yes often are reluctant to accept that no. They may press the issue (“Are you sure you can’t take this on?”), possibly trying guilt tactics (“It would really be a huge help if you could do this for me”). If you believe your no is the right choice for you, then stand your ground and don’t cave to pressure tactics.

Be perceptive.

Tone is the hardest part of saying no.

—Jonathan Price

Learn how to read the room. When you temper the delivery of your no to suit each situation, you demonstrate your willingness to Be preceptive when saying no to find your yesevaluate and respond to each request individually. This can help you avoid being pegged as someone who just issues blanket rejections all the time and isn’t a good colleague.

While you’re delivering that no, be aware of how the asker will receive it. Saying “I’m sorry I’m unable to help you” (and maybe even recommending other options) can go a long way toward smoothing over any friction that might result from that rejection, especially when the asker has a lot on their own plate, too. 

At the same time, be aware of when offering a yes—even when you’d rather say no—truly is in your best interests. For example, if your boss issues a special request that could open up new career possibilities for you, it’s probably a good idea not to turn them down unless you have a compelling reason for doing so.

Be selfish.

When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.

—Paulo Coelho

It's okay to be selfish when saying noOf course you want to be a great colleague who supports the other members of your team. But you have your job—and they have theirs. When saying yes too often is detrimental to the quality of your own performance, that’s a clear sign that it’s time to step up your no game and focus on your obligations, not theirs. 

 

Don’t lose sight of the potential yeses in front of you.

Sometimes we need to say no so that we have more time to say yes.

—Suzette Hinton

Remember, when you use no effectively, you free up more of your time, your energy, and your headspace to make room for yes. 

Yes to fulfilling your current obligations with even more excellence!

Yes to opportunities for career advancement!

Yes to pursuing what interests you—and therefore driving up your own enthusiasm, innovation, and engagement!

 

Last but not least: believe in yourself.

Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.

—Charles Spurgeon

Believe in yourself, you can say no to find your yesWhenever you doubt whether you should say no and worry that maybe the people who are asking you to take something on are somehow better than you and you should follow their lead, remind yourself that you got to where you are today through your own efforts. That includes doing excellent work and making great contributions to your team, department, and organization. Just as importantly, though, it also includes being aware of your limitations (and your strengths) and being confident in your abilities. Trust yourself to make the right decisions for you.

We’ve all had the experience of being in a position where we felt pressured to say yes when we really wanted (and needed) to say no. I’ve been there myself, and it took me a while to hone the strategies I’ve outlined here. If you have any others to add to this list, please comment below! I’d love to hear what’s worked for you! 

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