Getting your EQ On – How to Develop Emotional Intelligence

Now that you know what EQ is and understand why you need it (if you missed my last blog which answered these questions, check it out here), it’s time to take a closer look at your own EQ—and work on any areas that need shoring up. The first thing you need to do is measure your EQ.

Assessments

Emotional intelligence is a very important skill set, not just to be happier but also to succeed professionally.

—Daniel Goleman

Over the past several years, several organizations have formed that provide emotional intelligence assessments and training. Their specific approaches differ, but for the most part they have the same business model and follow similar guidelines. Many of these organizations are for-profit companies, and if you decide to go this route I suggest you take some time to read reviews, get referrals, and do plenty of research on each company’s offerings, credentials, and results so you can find a program that meets your needs and expectations.

First, though, I recommend looking at some of the free emotional intelligence assessments out there. No doubt, some are probably more accurate than others. But when the price is free, you can afford to check out several. Even if they don’t yield identical results, you’re likely to discover in them some patterns or general themes that can point you in the right direction on your EQ journey.

Here are a few of the many free emotional intelligence assessments that are available online:

• “Assessing Emotional Intelligence” by Emily Sterrett. (This except is from her book The Manager’s Pocket Guide to Emotional Intelligence.)
• “The Practical EQ Emotional Intelligence Self-Assessment” from Coaching Leaders (UK). 
• Paul Mopahels, a neuroscientist and leadership expert, developed a brief self-assessment that’s been adapted by countless other researchers and organizations. (See one version here. To find more, simply do an Internet search for “paul mopahels emotional intelligence.” You’ll end up with more than you can count!)
• “Emotional Intelligence Self-Assessment Tool” from the New Orleans Dental Conference.
• “Emotional Intelligence Test” from Psychology Today.

At the very least, free assessments can serve as a starting point for you. If you try them and aren’t satisfied, then you can invest some time and money in some of the not-free options. (Note that I’m not endorsing any specific EQ assessments—just pointing you toward a few so you can get a sense of what’s out there.)

EQ Areas and Actions

Our feelings are not there to be cast out or conquered. They’re there to be engaged and expressed with imagination and intelligence.

– T.K. Coleman

Nearly all EQ assessments evaluate someone’s skills in four categories (all of these descriptions are from Emotional Intelligence 2.0, by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, an assessment I’ve used for years):

• Self-awareness: “your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand your tendencies across situations”
• Self-management: “your ability to use your awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively”
• Social awareness: “your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them”
• Social (or relationship) management: “your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully”

In his famous article “What Makes a Leader?”, which was originally published in Harvard Business Review in 1998, Daniel Goleman identified five categories—“self-awareness,” “self-regulation,” “motivation,” “empathy,” and “social skill”—that map pretty closely to the four listed here. Most EQ experts and assessments use the four-category classification, but I want to mention Goleman’s version in case you encounter it in an assessment.

EQ assessments include some sort of scoring rubric that lets you measure your skill level in each of those areas. You may find that have very different ratings in each of them or that your numbers are pretty consistent across the board. Whatever your results are, they’ll help you pinpoint your strengths—and the areas that need work.

Here are some of the strategies that have been proven effective for improving each of the four EQ areas:

• Self-awareness: Pay close attention to your feelings and your moods, noting what circumstances affect them; consider writing these details in a journal so you can track them and refer back to them as needed. Be sure to note what your triggers are, too, because understanding what drives you absolutely bonkers, for example, can help you be better prepared to deal constructively with that feeling.
• Self-management: To help get in the right headspace to take good care of yourself, be sure to follow healthy habits such as eating, sleeping, exercising, and breathing well. Think positive (laugh and smile often!) and use visualization to guide yourself to success. (If visualization can work with Olympic athletes, it can definitely work for you too!)
• Social awareness: Focus on listening to and observing other people. (“When people talk, listen completely,” advised Ernest Hemingway—who then added, “Most people never listen.”) Call people by their names, which helps demonstrate your awareness that they are each individuals and your respect for theircontributions. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective and do your best to “read the room” (and adjust your next words or actions accordingly) before jumping into a conversation and meeting.
• Social management: Focus on building trust. Be clear, courteous, open-minded, and constructive. Don’t avoid difficult situations—tackle them head on. And always remember that “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” are some of the most meaningful and powerful things you can say.

This list is far from exhaustive, but it should give you an idea of what to do. If you’re having trouble pinpointing specific action items to incorporate into your own emotional intelligence improvement program, these guidelines can provide a general framework to follow:

• Observe your feelings
• Practice responding, not reacting
• Stay humble all the time

When I took my first EQ assessment in 2015, I scored quite low in the self-awareness category with social awareness a close second. I was shocked by my scores as I thought these two areas were my strengths! The assessment recommended I focus on social awareness first and it provided details on what brought my scores down:

• Not paying attention to other people’s feelings.
• Occasionally getting too involved in social situations, which keeps me from pulling back to see everything that is going on with other people.
• Missing out on other people’s non-verbal cues. 

The book then offered over 30 strategies to choose from to help improve my awareness in social situations. After six months (and better habits were formed), I think focused on self-awareness. Two years later, I retook the assessment and I’m delighted to share that my scores had improved 10 points on social awareness and 19 points in self-awareness. I could definitely feel an improvement in my relationships (both in the office as well as personally). 

It probably goes without saying, but taking an assessment is only the start of the journey. It’s really about pushing yourself to focus on others that you see real improvement. I can say developing EQ is the toughest skill I’ve tried to develop but the most rewarding! 

Final Thoughts

If we lack emotional intelligence, whenever stress rises the human brain switches to autopilot and has an inherent tendency to do more of the same, only harder. Which, more often than not, is precisely the wrong approach in today’s world.

—Robert K. Cooper

This post is intended to be merely an introduction to the huge topic of emotional intelligence. I hope that the information here inspires you to jumpstart your own program to increase your EQ. I am certain that ideas about emotional intelligence will continue to shape the business world in the years to come, and I’m looking forward to seeing what exciting developments arise!

And feel free to share your EQ journey with me in the comments!